Have you ever wondered how the federal government can bail out banks and mortgage-holders, cut your taxes, try to protect Social Security, expand your Medicare benefits, and send you a stimulus check – all at the same time?
These may be symptoms of an embarrassing condition afflicting political parties, banks, and households across America: Deficit Attention Disorder (DAD).
Unchecked, normal individuals (as well as politicians and bank CEOs) afflicted by DAD start to believe in money that doesn’t exist. This silent assassin of fiscal sanity overheats your credit card, sells you a make-believe mortgage, makes your pension go “poof,” and drops a whopping entitlement tab on your kids.
Fortunately, there’s a new way to get DAD under control – without any of the cosmetic remedies prescribed by spin doctors. By combining an ancient Zen secret with a cure-all from your grandmother, our researchers are proud to introduce: Restraint®.
Applied early and often, Restraint® enters the body politic and goes to work fast. It restores reason, calms appetites, and builds a healthy resistance to billionaire tax breaks and deficit spending – to help future generations breathe easier.
In individual cases, Restraint® suppresses the wallet reflex – diminishing hunger pangs for Juicy Couture, McMansions, and 300 horsepower, four-wheel-drive parade floats. Highly successful models, pop stars, and actors discover that a small dose of Restraint® can ease the compulsions that cause phone-throwing, misogynistic rap lyrics, and tabloid marriages that last for days.
Most politicians suspect they have DAD. Tragically, none are willing to be tested. When used in Congress, even in all-night sessions, Restraint® reduces the urge to spread other people’s money around. It also prevents the spread of tax loopholes that bloat the rich and bother everyone else – especially you. So you can get the rest you need.
Some members of Congress using Restraint® become less dependent on artificial stimulants such as lobbyist money and C-SPAN cameras. Restraint® melts bulging entitlements. It dissolves unfunded mandates and delusional budgets. Restraint® makes embarrassing earmarks disappear – and can stop bridges to nowhere before they start.
If applied continuously within range of live microphones, Restraint® helps presidential candidates control recurring behavioral problems such as pandering, prevarication, diversionary bloviation, and snarky partisan potshots. It also prevents complications arising from self-contradiction, revisionist autobiography, and unsupportable promises.
Note: Restraint® is not effective in politicians with only trace levels of courage or imagination. For them, Restraint® must be administered through a funnel in combination with a large dose of our spine-straightening medication: Resolve®.
You’ll know Restraint® has been fully absorbed in the mainstream when it starts to reduce America’s swelling $59 trillion in unfunded entitlements and the $9 trillion national debt. This debt makes us gut the dollar and sell the country to China, swapping it for cheap flat-screen TVs faster than Manhattan was traded for glass baubles.
For years, Restraint® wasn’t approved for use in the United States, due to governing authorities such as TV, Dolce & Gabbana, Def Jam Records, and the House of Representatives. Until now, Restraint® could be found only in Canada, Southeast Asia, and Europe (except Italy).
Ask your representatives if Restraint® is right for them. Restraint® is not a political party drug. Side effects may include fiscal sanity, hope for the future, and self-respect.
Restraint®. Liquid and solid. Not available in stores. Keep within reach of candidates.
Originally published in the Monitor, June 4, 2008